Sincerity

Anger has finally begun to materialize in my heart. Anger. I can’t believe it. I’ve always hated anger because it has always been such a selfish, unproductive emotion, but now it stirs a frenzy inside my head. Now I’ve got anger-induced action to take. “Let me know if you need anything from me?” What kind of an offer is that? I do need something from Jay. I need an apology.

Jay is the kind of guy that floats around assuming all women are in love with him. It was the few tender moments he slipped in this façade, his tiny weaknesses that allowed me to feel for him in the first place. I’m certain he was unsurprised by my little confession.

It’s February, earlier this year. 2am and we are sitting on his couch talking about life, about everything. He tells me about his past relationships, his philosophies on love. We lounge and chat idly. I have class in the morning and hours of homework I’m putting off. But it’s for this, I tell myself. All the buildup was worth this reward. He’s finally opening up. “To be totally cliché, I’ll quote a Bright Eyes song,” he says. My heart leaps. He lent me that cd in November, just before Thanksgiving break. We listened to it on the way to an art show half an hour away. It was one of many golden-edged afternoons we spent together.

“I’d rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery,” he finished lamely. Of all the lines to quote, he really did pick the most cliché. I would’ve known that one without having borrowed the cd. I snorted at the idea. “What does that even mean? That you’d rather be lass than happy with someone you know rather than hold out for someone who makes you delirious with joy?” His response was depressing. “How do you even know that it’s going to happen like that? You often have to get to know the person first anyways.” Well, I think, then it’s not just a paycheck anymore…

I trick myself into believing the evening is more intimate than it is when he declares he’s never dated anyone he knew for less than a year first. Until he begins on a tirade about his belief that if you like someone you should tell them. I couldn’t be more confused. This means if he liked me he would tell me. So it’s obvious he doesn’t like me. Unless he’s trying to force a confession, in which case he’s a huge hypocrite. But why would he goad a confession he didn’t want to hear? And why am I on his couch this late?

Now that I know he’s not at all interested in me, I see he would’ve rather had me confess then so we could put this business behind us. So why did he not just let me go in March, when I got angry enough with him to necessitate an hour-long lunch break phone call to mend our strange relationship? Why did he let me spend 30 hours making him a tailored button-down shirt? I feel so used, so cheap. I feel pitied.

I need an apology but I doubt his sincerity with every fiber of my being. I doubt that sincerity is a quality he possesses. I am sick over my yielding, apologetic confession, but I am unwilling to write another e-mail and unable to face him. How am I ever supposed to regain my dignity in this situation? I hate him for stealing it from me. For ever having felt anything kind for such a coward, I hate myself. King of the hypocrites, he could’ve prevented all of this by making his intentions known from the start. He chose not to, and I have blamed myself. That is the crime.

One Lie Two Truths

7 am and I roll over and reset my alarm for two hours later, then realize I have a 9am date with the auto dealership. It is the self-same date that I used as an excuse to get out of my meetings. I refused to respond to the offers Lochy and Mish sent, offers that they could drive if I needed them to. I haven’t made it clear that the appointment conflicts with their work schedules more than it conflicts with the meetings in the first place. Their offers to help are sincere, but they have no idea my needs have a lot less to do with my car and a lot more to do with themselves. I won’t let my guard down. No, I won’t let them in.

My iPod sings to me on the way to the dealership. “I’ve got friends who, La la la lie, will help me pull through, La la la lie, la la lie.”

11:30 and I’ve spent three week’s savings on car parts and labor I’ve never heard of. This is the life I live now. I’ve got no brother to go with me and give the nice man a stern look. I don’t plan on calling on Jay or any other male within the next year. It’s too risky, and I should’ve known better. I am too tired to diva my way out of paying so much. I resign myself to signing the release papers for my car and paying the price of independence. $382. I can afford it.

Lochy asks how it’s all going about this same time. She groans when she finds out how much of the cost was labor. “Next time, just let me change your brakes.” Good to know after spending so much. Good to know I got swindled for lack of a man to watch over me. Good to know I can count on someone after it’s too late.

I drive home. “La la la lie, A song for a long goodbye, I’m coming back for my girl by July.”

Later I text Hair. “I miss you. Can we hang out soon?” She makes casual banter and asks about my life. I tell her it’s finally over with Jay. She replies that she wants to hear about it soon, but I know she thinks I’m silly for ever letting it happen in the first place. She will listen patiently, then laugh about it to her sisters and probably to Wally, her fiancé. At least the humiliation will stay behind my back.

I decide not to skip all my meetings. I go late to the last one, looking sinfully cute. I sit by Lochy and do my best to ignore Jay. I hang out with people I usually avoid, my whole existence suddenly upside-down. I say nothing to Jay, and even avoid Lochy and Mish after class just to keep my distance from him. I leave early.

I drive home. “Give me something to believe in, A breath worth breathing… Lately I’m not dreaming, so what’s the point of sleeping? It’s just that at night I’ve got nowhere to hide.”

10:30 and I retire to my room early and cringe to think I’m becoming more and more like my loathsome, homebodied roommates. What else can I do? Letting people get close is just a set-up to be disappointed.

Sent 6/20/10:

Jay,

I have been feeling rather bad lately about the state of things between us, and I have felt that the appropriate thing to do is to explain why they changed...I hope that I can clear my good name at least in part. You’ll notice that over the past eleven months I haven’t had so many problems with anyone else. That’s because I’ve held you to a higher and likely unfair standard. For quite a while I am fairly sure I had the wrong impression of your intentions and I was interested in more than friendship. Reconciling my false hopes with reality has been the root of a lot of the problems I’ve had with you...

When we first met and started hanging out, I was fully aware that the disappointment I’m feeling now would be the possible outcome of any relationship with you, so I tried to keep things all business. The first time we ever hung out, I was focused on solely the task at hand until you took me out to dinner and then invited me back to your apartment to watch a movie. In the following weeks, casual meetings and conversations turned into marathon getting to know you sessions. I couldn’t imagine that anyone would be that genuinely interested in getting to know me and spending time with me one-on-one without having some greater motive. This is where I assume I got the wrong impression. You were my best bud all of fall semester, and I loved hanging out with you all the time. I felt like the feeling was mutual and the invitations to hang out were reciprocal and genuine.

Then at the beginning of this year, something changed. For you it was most likely just the settling of a new friendship into an old and familiar one. For me, I couldn’t figure out why I felt like things were so one-sided all of the sudden...Any time spent one-on-one has been initiated by me since the beginning of the year, and although we talked about doing many different things together, they have only happened if I took the driver’s seat...my misconceived idea of what our friendship really was in the first place got in the way of just letting go of insignificant disappointments in a normal, platonic relationship. I had no idea that the way you treated me is the way you treat everyone you’ve just met. I’m sorry I took it the wrong way...

I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot since the night Hair told me about her engagement and we talked on the phone for a couple hours. The morning after, despite having gone to sleep feeling much relieved, I felt awful. I can’t confide in you and not want more than friendship, and I couldn’t realistically hope to cry on your future shoulder when your heart belonged to someone else, to be fair to me and the potential “her.”

I’m sure you have noticed that the outcome of all of this has been a resolution to keep you at arm’s length until I can let go of my unproductive feelings...I also apologize in advance for any awkwardness this all may cause. In the meantime, I feel like I need more time away from you. With any luck, I hope we can find a new normal for our friendship by the end of summer. Unless you have some game-changing amendment to my reflection and reconsideration of things, I’d really rather not hash this out further, but I am willing to talk about it if you want to. I’m sure I will see you around soon.

Tara

More than a year.

Tara hears rain on the window pane and cries herself awake.

Tara eats breakfast and cries over a comedy.

Tara resolves to starve herself and goes to take a shower.

Tara cries in the shower, hates herself, decides to buck up and check her e-mail.

Tara cries over this:

Tare,
That took a ton of courage. I really respect and appreciate that. I don't foresee this causing any increase in awkwardness and hope (as you do I'm sure) that if anything it will prove a means for its abatement. As far as everything else goes, it sounds like you've put substantial thought and effort into mentally sorting this out and I trust you'll do what's right for you. If you need anything, or need anything from me I'd be more than willing to help.

Jay

Tara cries because there's nothing better to do than eat lunch, then cries over her humble meal.

Tara heads to work and cries when she realizes she forgot her gas light is on and she doesn't have time to stop and refill.

Tara wants to cry when she gets there and tensions are high and her trainee shirks her duty and people expect her to be responsible.

Tara almost cries while mopping but holds off knowing people are watching. She holds off while Vintage recounts her own heartache. She holds off while she talks to the girls at GoldenMetro.

Bow calls with bad news and Tara almost lets it go, but stays strong so he won't worry.

Tara wants to cry to Jay but knows it's impossible and unsafe. Tara resolves to stay strong but knows she will dream of him again tonight, and wake feeling worse tomorrow.

Tara cries.

Stupidest.

Actual text message conversation from yesterday:

Me-"What are you up to today?"
Buck- "Working late. How about you?"
Me- "I'm off...and a little bored."
Buck- "Well I'm sorry. How was your night out with HPE?"
Me- "Good...just had dinner. It was low-key. So when are you and I going to hang out again? I'd really like to this week..."
Buck- "Well you tell me. Are we only going to hang out if I say so or something?" (PS- What the Hell....I still can't figure out this statement.)
Me- "What? I can't really spend time with you against your will...I don't know, you could be too busy this week or something."

TWO HOURS LATER. STILL NOTHING.

Me- "Fine, bitch! I hope your week is long and lonely. The way you obviously want it."

First of all, I was kidding and left no indication. DUMB! I thought it would open a little friendly banter, but it failed to. And then I remembered...he is having a party tonight. So that statement was stupid. And I wasn't invited. FML.

30 hours later. Still no answer. This is why I should've let this die when I just had a little tickle in my heart for him. Now its like some kind of crazy beast trying to consume me. There's really not much hope at this point, I really messed things up.

Sunday Sermon

PRAISE THE LORD! I'm not pregnant! At least I'm not this month... ;)

Lemons.

When Life hands you lemons, do something stupid to afford it the opportunity to supply your growing lemon collection.

I might be pregnant. Actually it's more of a probably situation. Clearly it's Buck's. And things with him are bad enough. I keep telling my heart to stop beating so fast when I see him, but it won't listen. And when I hear his voice and my ears perk up, I scold them too. It's so frustrating for the brain to have no power over the rest of the body. I wouldn't have started this whole thing if it did. I knew he was bad for me. I knew all along that I liked him as more than a friend.

If I tell him, will he cut me off or be a bigger part of my life? It may seem stupid, but my actions will dependent on the anticipated reaction.

Then there is the possibility that my period is just...an entire week late. I have things coming up that I can't miss out on because I'm pregnant. Seriously. I have things to lift and roller coasters to ride. If I choose not to take a test and I am pregnant, the baby will most likely die. Is that abortion? Because after all, I didn't know I was pregnant. It just kills me that I typed 'baby' and 'die' in the same sentence.

It's so ironic that I have shaped my life so that I move and leave just often enough that I am never left alone, but also enough that I never have to commit. I guess Life thought my idea of lemons was insufficient and instead supplied me with the exact ones I've been running away from. Irony is bitter.