Buck had me over for the third time. They say third time's the charm, but it was only round 2.
I have known Buck since day 1 at LK. That was my first area of work. I guess I should include that's where I met Boomer and Mayor and where I work with DJ. Popa is there some times, too. The tank is my other work location... I met Popa, Temple, and Georgia there. Buck was always friendly, and although I was always interested in other people first, he never took offense. Slowly but surely he led me... he knew how to make me let down my guard.
The first time I spent the night it was a surprise to both of us. He thought I was a virgin. I never expected to run to someone's bedroom the first time we spent time together outside of work. Strangely, it seemed expected at the same time. I guess sex is just another way to keep people at arm's length. If you give it up early, he never wants into your personal life. Why would a guy give a shit when he can get it for free?
He's still friendly, which is fine. But last night he offered to help me move out of Boomer's. Then, after round 2, it hit. The guilt that drove me mad last time. Or rather the occasional pang and never knowing when it would hit. Still panting, I lay there thinking "My clothes are strewn across this man's bedroom." As if it wasn't even about the sex. The guilt will eat me alive, though. I contemplated regret the first time I woke up at his place. I looked around and realized that I know so little about his life for all the things he knows about me. Maybe he's just as guarded as I am.
This setup should be perfect for me. Relationships don't work because I don't believe that any set of actions should guarantee anyone a piece of my life. Nothing makes me belong to someone else, not dates or flowers or candlelight. I hate feeling that I owe someone my time because they paid for a movie or some other token trap. With Buck, we can just be friends and hang out on occasion, then sometimes have sex if we're both in the mood. Taking second place to Mayor won't be an issue. He can know my business but is not entitled to it. And I trust him but I don't ever have to let down those last few gates. So much for Georgia.
The part that hurts is wondering whether he had purer intentions. Because he offers to do things only a boyfriend would. He asks if things are okay, and when I give him a bullshit answer he digs deeper. He invites me over but neglects to tell me his friends are there, as if he knows I would opt out of making ties with anyone from his personal life. And when we sleep together, he holds me all night long. And again I am guilty, because I harbor no affectionate feeling beyond friendship. I think the sex ruined my chances at that. I am guilty on so many levels, but I can only feel ashamed about my clothes being out of reach as I am falling asleep.
