I made a big mistake. I spent the night with Buck last night.
I am so vulnerable now it's not even funny. Believe me, I act so tough sometimes no one would know when I'm hurting. Not even Buck. But I am actually a very tender person. Big hearts are for breaking. I already felt weak for Buck, but now everything is magnified. Last night he looked so lovely when he was sleeping, I could've held him forever. And the little details he never misses...well they were still there. Only now I was hoping against hope they were more than just little details. I wanted them to be signs he wants me as more than just an FWB.
Then there were some sad things. Like when he went to grab a condom out of a suitcase from when he went out of town last weekend. I know I wasn't on that trip and I know it had been 11 days between last time and last night and I know he wouldn't just let a spare float around his suitcase forever. He doesn't travel that much. I'm not jealous, but it does make me a little sad.
And the guilt came in a wave, not just a pang, as we sat on his couch watching cartoons. He was holding me and a commercial with children in it came on. It reminded me that that's the future I'm supposed to want...a husband, 2.3 children playing with pay-doh, and a yard with a white picket fence. It's been a while since those things seemed so important, but of course the guilt would hit at an inopportune moment.
Today the sun shone a little brighter. Tomorrow I have the hope of seeing him again. In between? I have the memory of his arms around me and my head on his chest. I have the option to push misgivings about this relationship out of my mind. I also have the occasional guilty pang, or the self-deprecating thought. Am I a whore? Depending how things go, I might just be foolhardy and stay the dangerous course. After all, I am leaving in four months, so how bad can things really get?
