Moved out of Boomer's today. And decided to move on from Buck.
I spent four good hours moving everything, and another hour getting settled. All throughout I was relieved to move on, and all throughout I was worried about Buck. He was so insistent that he would help me move. I was very grateful for his generosity, but simultaneously perplexed by his vehemence. Of course I know he's capable of helping me move. He is a big strong man. I just couldn't understand why he would persist.
Monday morning I sent him a text letting him know I was doing a majority of the labor that day. He said he was out of town, but pushed, saying he would've helped me with more notice. He apologized about a thousand times. I said "It's okay" and "It's my problem, I can fix it myself." I even threw in a "No hard feelings." He finally got quiet, then said nothing for three days.
Monday through today gave me time to think. He had said he would help if I wanted him or needed him to. Last week he invited me to stay the night if I wanted to or if I needed him. It made me mad. Does he want me to be some helpless, needy Cinderella? Because I have known for a long time that I am the only person looking out for me. I don't need anyone. Only because he didn't call back, I wondered. Was he mad at me for not planning ahead and not waiting to move? Why did he care? Did he think our relationship was worth more than friends with bennies?
That's when it hit me. I don't need him. I need him to need me. It drives me crazy that he doesn't need me. That's a weakness and an attachment. Game over. Time to quit and move on. From here on out I can only play defense.
Because love is a place too dangerous in the best of circumstances, and in my fragile state, unrequited love is out of the question. There are no guarantees of return in this relationship, and if there were I would have run a long time ago.
