7 am and I roll over and reset my alarm for two hours later, then realize I have a 9am date with the auto dealership. It is the self-same date that I used as an excuse to get out of my meetings. I refused to respond to the offers Lochy and Mish sent, offers that they could drive if I needed them to. I haven’t made it clear that the appointment conflicts with their work schedules more than it conflicts with the meetings in the first place. Their offers to help are sincere, but they have no idea my needs have a lot less to do with my car and a lot more to do with themselves. I won’t let my guard down. No, I won’t let them in.
My iPod sings to me on the way to the dealership. “I’ve got friends who, La la la lie, will help me pull through, La la la lie, la la lie.”
11:30 and I’ve spent three week’s savings on car parts and labor I’ve never heard of. This is the life I live now. I’ve got no brother to go with me and give the nice man a stern look. I don’t plan on calling on Jay or any other male within the next year. It’s too risky, and I should’ve known better. I am too tired to diva my way out of paying so much. I resign myself to signing the release papers for my car and paying the price of independence. $382. I can afford it.
Lochy asks how it’s all going about this same time. She groans when she finds out how much of the cost was labor. “Next time, just let me change your brakes.” Good to know after spending so much. Good to know I got swindled for lack of a man to watch over me. Good to know I can count on someone after it’s too late.
I drive home. “La la la lie, A song for a long goodbye, I’m coming back for my girl by July.”
Later I text Hair. “I miss you. Can we hang out soon?” She makes casual banter and asks about my life. I tell her it’s finally over with Jay. She replies that she wants to hear about it soon, but I know she thinks I’m silly for ever letting it happen in the first place. She will listen patiently, then laugh about it to her sisters and probably to Wally, her fiancé. At least the humiliation will stay behind my back.
I decide not to skip all my meetings. I go late to the last one, looking sinfully cute. I sit by Lochy and do my best to ignore Jay. I hang out with people I usually avoid, my whole existence suddenly upside-down. I say nothing to Jay, and even avoid Lochy and Mish after class just to keep my distance from him. I leave early.
I drive home. “Give me something to believe in, A breath worth breathing… Lately I’m not dreaming, so what’s the point of sleeping? It’s just that at night I’ve got nowhere to hide.”
10:30 and I retire to my room early and cringe to think I’m becoming more and more like my loathsome, homebodied roommates. What else can I do? Letting people get close is just a set-up to be disappointed.
