Stupidest.

Actual text message conversation from yesterday:

Me-"What are you up to today?"
Buck- "Working late. How about you?"
Me- "I'm off...and a little bored."
Buck- "Well I'm sorry. How was your night out with HPE?"
Me- "Good...just had dinner. It was low-key. So when are you and I going to hang out again? I'd really like to this week..."
Buck- "Well you tell me. Are we only going to hang out if I say so or something?" (PS- What the Hell....I still can't figure out this statement.)
Me- "What? I can't really spend time with you against your will...I don't know, you could be too busy this week or something."

TWO HOURS LATER. STILL NOTHING.

Me- "Fine, bitch! I hope your week is long and lonely. The way you obviously want it."

First of all, I was kidding and left no indication. DUMB! I thought it would open a little friendly banter, but it failed to. And then I remembered...he is having a party tonight. So that statement was stupid. And I wasn't invited. FML.

30 hours later. Still no answer. This is why I should've let this die when I just had a little tickle in my heart for him. Now its like some kind of crazy beast trying to consume me. There's really not much hope at this point, I really messed things up.

Sunday Sermon

PRAISE THE LORD! I'm not pregnant! At least I'm not this month... ;)

Lemons.

When Life hands you lemons, do something stupid to afford it the opportunity to supply your growing lemon collection.

I might be pregnant. Actually it's more of a probably situation. Clearly it's Buck's. And things with him are bad enough. I keep telling my heart to stop beating so fast when I see him, but it won't listen. And when I hear his voice and my ears perk up, I scold them too. It's so frustrating for the brain to have no power over the rest of the body. I wouldn't have started this whole thing if it did. I knew he was bad for me. I knew all along that I liked him as more than a friend.

If I tell him, will he cut me off or be a bigger part of my life? It may seem stupid, but my actions will dependent on the anticipated reaction.

Then there is the possibility that my period is just...an entire week late. I have things coming up that I can't miss out on because I'm pregnant. Seriously. I have things to lift and roller coasters to ride. If I choose not to take a test and I am pregnant, the baby will most likely die. Is that abortion? Because after all, I didn't know I was pregnant. It just kills me that I typed 'baby' and 'die' in the same sentence.

It's so ironic that I have shaped my life so that I move and leave just often enough that I am never left alone, but also enough that I never have to commit. I guess Life thought my idea of lemons was insufficient and instead supplied me with the exact ones I've been running away from. Irony is bitter.

Guilty, Part 2

I made a big mistake. I spent the night with Buck last night.

I am so vulnerable now it's not even funny. Believe me, I act so tough sometimes no one would know when I'm hurting. Not even Buck. But I am actually a very tender person. Big hearts are for breaking. I already felt weak for Buck, but now everything is magnified. Last night he looked so lovely when he was sleeping, I could've held him forever. And the little details he never misses...well they were still there. Only now I was hoping against hope they were more than just little details. I wanted them to be signs he wants me as more than just an FWB.

Then there were some sad things. Like when he went to grab a condom out of a suitcase from when he went out of town last weekend. I know I wasn't on that trip and I know it had been 11 days between last time and last night and I know he wouldn't just let a spare float around his suitcase forever. He doesn't travel that much. I'm not jealous, but it does make me a little sad.

And the guilt came in a wave, not just a pang, as we sat on his couch watching cartoons. He was holding me and a commercial with children in it came on. It reminded me that that's the future I'm supposed to want...a husband, 2.3 children playing with pay-doh, and a yard with a white picket fence. It's been a while since those things seemed so important, but of course the guilt would hit at an inopportune moment.

Today the sun shone a little brighter. Tomorrow I have the hope of seeing him again. In between? I have the memory of his arms around me and my head on his chest. I have the option to push misgivings about this relationship out of my mind. I also have the occasional guilty pang, or the self-deprecating thought. Am I a whore? Depending how things go, I might just be foolhardy and stay the dangerous course. After all, I am leaving in four months, so how bad can things really get?

Distance.

Distance= Rate x Time

If the distance is my proximity to home, and the amount of time is variable, then how much time will it take for everything to fall apart?

Curious how I spent 3 years as far away as possible. I suppose I was trying to prove how independent and responsible I am. I should've known better. I am who I am because I don't run on praise or pity. This truth realized opened my eyes to how tired I am of running. Just in time for me to have something real to run from...again. Strange, isn't it?

So what is the distance between here and home? Home seems like such an abstract concept a lot of the time. I will be closer to my 'permanent' address. But that will disappear soon, too. I will be closer to 75% of my family, but that's not necessarily home, either. If family defines home, then mine is broken, and I can't handle that thought or concept.

Bombshell.

Strange but familiar...everything has changed again.

Talked to Gohan on Wednesday night. He told me our parents weren't sleeping in the same room. I called the next morning. They're finally gearing up for the divorce. It just goes to show how right I was about all my bizarre misgivings. I don't really believe people were meant to stay together forever. It's ludicrous to think they should.

On the other hand, I hope my dad realizes that no one will ever love him like my mom did. And I will never allow myself to love someone like that, either. There is no way that is worth it.

3 days after my last talk with Buck he finally checked in again. I replied, but not too friendly. He said nothing. It's definitely over. I don't know if its mutual but I'm pretty sure it is. I am too fragile to let anyone close now. That's a good way to start relying on someone, and I can't allow that. I can't let anyone close enough to disappoint me. I've had enough of that.

Shift Release.

Moved out of Boomer's today. And decided to move on from Buck.

I spent four good hours moving everything, and another hour getting settled. All throughout I was relieved to move on, and all throughout I was worried about Buck. He was so insistent that he would help me move. I was very grateful for his generosity, but simultaneously perplexed by his vehemence. Of course I know he's capable of helping me move. He is a big strong man. I just couldn't understand why he would persist.

Monday morning I sent him a text letting him know I was doing a majority of the labor that day. He said he was out of town, but pushed, saying he would've helped me with more notice. He apologized about a thousand times. I said "It's okay" and "It's my problem, I can fix it myself." I even threw in a "No hard feelings." He finally got quiet, then said nothing for three days.

Monday through today gave me time to think. He had said he would help if I wanted him or needed him to. Last week he invited me to stay the night if I wanted to or if I needed him. It made me mad. Does he want me to be some helpless, needy Cinderella? Because I have known for a long time that I am the only person looking out for me. I don't need anyone. Only because he didn't call back, I wondered. Was he mad at me for not planning ahead and not waiting to move? Why did he care? Did he think our relationship was worth more than friends with bennies?

That's when it hit me. I don't need him. I need him to need me. It drives me crazy that he doesn't need me. That's a weakness and an attachment. Game over. Time to quit and move on. From here on out I can only play defense.

Because love is a place too dangerous in the best of circumstances, and in my fragile state, unrequited love is out of the question. There are no guarantees of return in this relationship, and if there were I would have run a long time ago.

Dear Modern Society,

Now that I think of it, how is traditional dating more socially acceptable than prostitution?

If you think about it, sex is the highest level you can achieve in a relationship. I know, what about love...let's just say it's not always guaranteed in a dating situation. There is no promise that going out to dinner and a movie will add up to that yearning feeling in your heart. But should you ride the wave of a relationship through, you will eventually have sex. Even if you're a goody two-shoes who waits until marriage, you still have another step until you get to the top of the pyramid. If you're lucky, love might happen on the way, but otherwise most people won't end a fling until they have given their new partner a test-drive.

Either way, a prostitute gets paid top dollar for fulfilling a persons 'needs,' and dating someone means waiting on them hand and foot ultimately for the same thing. A lot of escorts have the same deal set up. It's as simple as "take me to dinner, pay me $500 and I'm yours for the night." So if you're a slut and you agree to a date, you could very well be saying "take me to dinner and I'm yours for the night." And then you're just out $500. Or if you're into commitment, you could be saying "give this relationship a title and invest some time, always treat me right, then take me to dinner and I'm yours for the night." In which case you're more of a 'sugar baby' prostitute.

And if you're waiting until marriage, you're just waiting for the highest bid. For instance, "this guy says he will love me forever, he offered me a huge ass diamond ring, and he has been spending money on me for a year now (read dating). He totally beats out the guy who only spent money on me for three months." In this case, a wedding is just another way to purchase you. No way getting around it. And you're probably worth more to him because you're a virgin. Which explains his willingness to wait for you.

Think about it. At the end of the day, all we can be is a bunch of whores. And Modern Society only serves as the invite to a masquerade.

Guilty.

Buck had me over for the third time. They say third time's the charm, but it was only round 2.

I have known Buck since day 1 at LK. That was my first area of work. I guess I should include that's where I met Boomer and Mayor and where I work with DJ. Popa is there some times, too. The tank is my other work location... I met Popa, Temple, and Georgia there. Buck was always friendly, and although I was always interested in other people first, he never took offense. Slowly but surely he led me... he knew how to make me let down my guard.

The first time I spent the night it was a surprise to both of us. He thought I was a virgin. I never expected to run to someone's bedroom the first time we spent time together outside of work. Strangely, it seemed expected at the same time. I guess sex is just another way to keep people at arm's length. If you give it up early, he never wants into your personal life. Why would a guy give a shit when he can get it for free?

He's still friendly, which is fine. But last night he offered to help me move out of Boomer's. Then, after round 2, it hit. The guilt that drove me mad last time. Or rather the occasional pang and never knowing when it would hit. Still panting, I lay there thinking "My clothes are strewn across this man's bedroom." As if it wasn't even about the sex. The guilt will eat me alive, though. I contemplated regret the first time I woke up at his place. I looked around and realized that I know so little about his life for all the things he knows about me. Maybe he's just as guarded as I am.

This setup should be perfect for me. Relationships don't work because I don't believe that any set of actions should guarantee anyone a piece of my life. Nothing makes me belong to someone else, not dates or flowers or candlelight. I hate feeling that I owe someone my time because they paid for a movie or some other token trap. With Buck, we can just be friends and hang out on occasion, then sometimes have sex if we're both in the mood. Taking second place to Mayor won't be an issue. He can know my business but is not entitled to it. And I trust him but I don't ever have to let down those last few gates. So much for Georgia.

The part that hurts is wondering whether he had purer intentions. Because he offers to do things only a boyfriend would. He asks if things are okay, and when I give him a bullshit answer he digs deeper. He invites me over but neglects to tell me his friends are there, as if he knows I would opt out of making ties with anyone from his personal life. And when we sleep together, he holds me all night long. And again I am guilty, because I harbor no affectionate feeling beyond friendship. I think the sex ruined my chances at that. I am guilty on so many levels, but I can only feel ashamed about my clothes being out of reach as I am falling asleep.

DJ.

I stay late for no one.

I spent my night working circles around you. I completed twenty projects in the time it took you to do one. They say you're not all there, and I had defended you for a long time, mostly because I found you strange, but tolerable. DJ? That has ended.

You should know this rule would apply to any of them. Joy, Chip, Troll, Popa. I would still be livid. I would surely rethink our relationship. The only thing that's different is I could talk it out with them, and I already know Joy and Chip take orders. Why? Because they envy and emulate me. I'm not just being a diva. You've seen it too.

My point? I make the rules. I may be older and wiser and expected to take charge, but you're kidding yourself if you think I will do everything for you and then give you a glowing recommendation and hand you a social agenda on a silver platter to boot. So you and your little folded paper lists can scoot along to the bus stop now. Toodles!

TO AL.

No, I do not feel at home. This is just the place I sleep.

When Al and Boomer kicked Pink out, they didn't take into account the fact that it would be difficult to find a replacement roommate. I refuse to pay higher rent for more than a month. In the meantime, Pink has done everything possible to make my time here uncomfortable. Everything I do is wrong, from the way I load the dishwasher to the way I park my car.

Apparently it is common knowledge that one should shut the bathroom door after any and all use, trapping steam, stench, and mold. Those who do not do so are condemnable by house law. If Pink's dog happens to relieve herself on my bedding, it is not because of her neglect and failure to shut said dog in her room. It is my failure to shut my door all the way and monitor someone else's dog.

Then everyone else chimes in. Turning down the TV volume? Out of the question. Trying to save money on the energy bill by keeping the heater off? Not an option. Taking down the Halloween or Christmas decorations? Forget it. After all, my opinion doesn't matter. I just sleep here and pay rent here. I just store my personal possessions and eat here. I just get in the way of everyone else's bathroom time here. And knocking? Not happening.

And when I voice my frustrations? I am a conniving, greedy, bossy little bitch. How dare I come in and do all the dishes daily and try to improve the standard of living.

So no, Al. I do not feel welcome. This is not my home. And I wish we won't be able to find a roommate next month. That way I can leave.

WILL.

I know, it was just a movie. But was it not meant to stir some emotion?

Mayor invited a few friends out to see "Medea Goes to Jail" tonight. I sat between Popa and Will. And when it got really emotional, Will got a little crabby. SPOILER ALERT! The character Josh gets upset as he is confessing his guilt over his friend Candy's fate as a prostitute. A series of unfortunate but all-too familiar circumstances in their past allowed her to be raped by those he was close with at the time. Baring his soul, Josh lets it all loose in a very personal display of tears and confessions.

Will interjected, "Really?! He's getting so upset over that? Let it go man..."

And for the rest of the movie I could only think "Heaven forbid we believe there is such a thing as a man who respects women enough to carry guilt over loss of virtue."

That's when the movie in general started to irk me. Heaven forbid we believe in such a character because there is no such thing on earth. Never have I seen a man with that much understanding and care for any woman. I highly doubt there is such a thing. Thank you, Will, for reminding me of this. Thank you for signing your name on the list of men who disappoint me. The thing that gets me about Tyler Perry movies? It's not just a sad situation. The sad thing is that in the movies the bad people always get theirs in the end, and the good people come out on top. But in real life, it doesn't happen that way.

I may have made a decision tonight. Georgia? It's over before it started. If there was interest on your end I'm sorry. If there was on mine, it will hurt less to squelch it then it will to sever ties later. Being friends was pretty good though, I don't think it's too late to go back to that. And yes, I love you, too.

GEORGIA.

I thought he was gay. I also thought today would be innocent.

When Popa and I planned our outing last week, I knew I wouldn't follow through unless there were others involved. Her temper and attention span are too short, and that wears on a person as patient as me. I invited Georgia because he's still new here and I thought he would enjoy getting out. I recently discovered he's our age, and he had also mentioned spending time together once before. Little did I know...

I met up with him earlier so we could see the show the others weren't interested in. Popa would be arriving with Temple, although we don't know her too well. Popa invited her, probably because she thought three was a crowd but four would be a party. It turns out Temple isn't a good fit. In any case, Georgia and I met early, and queued for show. After killing twenty minutes wandering, we stopped at the stage to decide whether to wander more or just wait it out.

"What do you want?" He inquired, peering into my eyes.
"I don't know, either way is fine with me."
"But what do you want?" He repeated, more forcefully.
"I don't know."
"I know what you want..."

His soft hands gently brushed my bangs away from my eyes, then slowly caressed my temple and followed down my jawbone, slowly pulling my chin towards his slightly parted lips. But my assumptions and impressions were challenged too much at once, and I rebelled. Actor he may be, but it seemed there was some truth when he turned away and said "That hurts."

A woman too often teased and rejected, and with a long history of hurt, questions everything and takes a long time to trust. A broken heart will very often be divided in feeling. My heart believes he may be using me as a cover. It questions his intentions and integrity. It is scared to invlove anyone it can't hide from. But it allowed me to accept his kiss a few hours later, and for now it can't picture Georgia with anyone else.

PINK.

She is here, but leaving soon. March 1st, to be exact.

Funnily enough March is the month the lease on this house will be up. None of us really want to stay...Clover's spoiling parents are looking at real estate here, and I have been ready to leave since November. But you'll understand that later. That leaves Al and Boomer. And if Al had a clue about the infidelities....shouldn't he though? In any case, the lease will be renewed despite the lack of willing tenants.

Pink wanted out anyways, but had no drive. Al and Boomer were ready for her to leave. It seems strange to me that she is so similar to Al and he and Boomer are so mutually obsessed they could have invented "Three's a crowd." Forget five. In the meantime, they decided enough was enough and gave Pink one month to relocate. She did so promptly, but having paid rent, elected to stay the entire month, just to irk. And she does.

Five people in a car designed with four seat belts is as uncomfortable as it is unsafe, but saving gas is a price worth paying in safety. The one person without current health insurance was trapped in the spare seat by coincidence on the way there. The whole way I fretted and worried, begging my mother's forgiveness after my impending death upon impact, my body strewn out across the highway. I vow to be kind and let it go, only requesting a seat belt on the way home. Then, just before loading for the trip home Pink pulls me aside and kindly says "Do you mind taking the same seats? I have this fear about riding in cars without a seat belt..." As if no one else has a care in the world.

Thank God her time is short. My temper is thinning more quickly than the days are passing. March first seems eons away, but now is not the time to rush away the months.