Actual text message conversation from yesterday:
Me-"What are you up to today?"
Buck- "Working late. How about you?"
Me- "I'm off...and a little bored."
Buck- "Well I'm sorry. How was your night out with HPE?"
Me- "Good...just had dinner. It was low-key. So when are you and I going to hang out again? I'd really like to this week..."
Buck- "Well you tell me. Are we only going to hang out if I say so or something?" (PS- What the Hell....I still can't figure out this statement.)
Me- "What? I can't really spend time with you against your will...I don't know, you could be too busy this week or something."
TWO HOURS LATER. STILL NOTHING.
Me- "Fine, bitch! I hope your week is long and lonely. The way you obviously want it."
First of all, I was kidding and left no indication. DUMB! I thought it would open a little friendly banter, but it failed to. And then I remembered...he is having a party tonight. So that statement was stupid. And I wasn't invited. FML.
30 hours later. Still no answer. This is why I should've let this die when I just had a little tickle in my heart for him. Now its like some kind of crazy beast trying to consume me. There's really not much hope at this point, I really messed things up.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Lemons.
When Life hands you lemons, do something stupid to afford it the opportunity to supply your growing lemon collection.
I might be pregnant. Actually it's more of a probably situation. Clearly it's Buck's. And things with him are bad enough. I keep telling my heart to stop beating so fast when I see him, but it won't listen. And when I hear his voice and my ears perk up, I scold them too. It's so frustrating for the brain to have no power over the rest of the body. I wouldn't have started this whole thing if it did. I knew he was bad for me. I knew all along that I liked him as more than a friend.
If I tell him, will he cut me off or be a bigger part of my life? It may seem stupid, but my actions will dependent on the anticipated reaction.
Then there is the possibility that my period is just...an entire week late. I have things coming up that I can't miss out on because I'm pregnant. Seriously. I have things to lift and roller coasters to ride. If I choose not to take a test and I am pregnant, the baby will most likely die. Is that abortion? Because after all, I didn't know I was pregnant. It just kills me that I typed 'baby' and 'die' in the same sentence.
It's so ironic that I have shaped my life so that I move and leave just often enough that I am never left alone, but also enough that I never have to commit. I guess Life thought my idea of lemons was insufficient and instead supplied me with the exact ones I've been running away from. Irony is bitter.
I might be pregnant. Actually it's more of a probably situation. Clearly it's Buck's. And things with him are bad enough. I keep telling my heart to stop beating so fast when I see him, but it won't listen. And when I hear his voice and my ears perk up, I scold them too. It's so frustrating for the brain to have no power over the rest of the body. I wouldn't have started this whole thing if it did. I knew he was bad for me. I knew all along that I liked him as more than a friend.
If I tell him, will he cut me off or be a bigger part of my life? It may seem stupid, but my actions will dependent on the anticipated reaction.
Then there is the possibility that my period is just...an entire week late. I have things coming up that I can't miss out on because I'm pregnant. Seriously. I have things to lift and roller coasters to ride. If I choose not to take a test and I am pregnant, the baby will most likely die. Is that abortion? Because after all, I didn't know I was pregnant. It just kills me that I typed 'baby' and 'die' in the same sentence.
It's so ironic that I have shaped my life so that I move and leave just often enough that I am never left alone, but also enough that I never have to commit. I guess Life thought my idea of lemons was insufficient and instead supplied me with the exact ones I've been running away from. Irony is bitter.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Guilty, Part 2
I made a big mistake. I spent the night with Buck last night.
I am so vulnerable now it's not even funny. Believe me, I act so tough sometimes no one would know when I'm hurting. Not even Buck. But I am actually a very tender person. Big hearts are for breaking. I already felt weak for Buck, but now everything is magnified. Last night he looked so lovely when he was sleeping, I could've held him forever. And the little details he never misses...well they were still there. Only now I was hoping against hope they were more than just little details. I wanted them to be signs he wants me as more than just an FWB.
Then there were some sad things. Like when he went to grab a condom out of a suitcase from when he went out of town last weekend. I know I wasn't on that trip and I know it had been 11 days between last time and last night and I know he wouldn't just let a spare float around his suitcase forever. He doesn't travel that much. I'm not jealous, but it does make me a little sad.
And the guilt came in a wave, not just a pang, as we sat on his couch watching cartoons. He was holding me and a commercial with children in it came on. It reminded me that that's the future I'm supposed to want...a husband, 2.3 children playing with pay-doh, and a yard with a white picket fence. It's been a while since those things seemed so important, but of course the guilt would hit at an inopportune moment.
Today the sun shone a little brighter. Tomorrow I have the hope of seeing him again. In between? I have the memory of his arms around me and my head on his chest. I have the option to push misgivings about this relationship out of my mind. I also have the occasional guilty pang, or the self-deprecating thought. Am I a whore? Depending how things go, I might just be foolhardy and stay the dangerous course. After all, I am leaving in four months, so how bad can things really get?
I am so vulnerable now it's not even funny. Believe me, I act so tough sometimes no one would know when I'm hurting. Not even Buck. But I am actually a very tender person. Big hearts are for breaking. I already felt weak for Buck, but now everything is magnified. Last night he looked so lovely when he was sleeping, I could've held him forever. And the little details he never misses...well they were still there. Only now I was hoping against hope they were more than just little details. I wanted them to be signs he wants me as more than just an FWB.
Then there were some sad things. Like when he went to grab a condom out of a suitcase from when he went out of town last weekend. I know I wasn't on that trip and I know it had been 11 days between last time and last night and I know he wouldn't just let a spare float around his suitcase forever. He doesn't travel that much. I'm not jealous, but it does make me a little sad.
And the guilt came in a wave, not just a pang, as we sat on his couch watching cartoons. He was holding me and a commercial with children in it came on. It reminded me that that's the future I'm supposed to want...a husband, 2.3 children playing with pay-doh, and a yard with a white picket fence. It's been a while since those things seemed so important, but of course the guilt would hit at an inopportune moment.
Today the sun shone a little brighter. Tomorrow I have the hope of seeing him again. In between? I have the memory of his arms around me and my head on his chest. I have the option to push misgivings about this relationship out of my mind. I also have the occasional guilty pang, or the self-deprecating thought. Am I a whore? Depending how things go, I might just be foolhardy and stay the dangerous course. After all, I am leaving in four months, so how bad can things really get?
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Distance.
Distance= Rate x Time
If the distance is my proximity to home, and the amount of time is variable, then how much time will it take for everything to fall apart?
Curious how I spent 3 years as far away as possible. I suppose I was trying to prove how independent and responsible I am. I should've known better. I am who I am because I don't run on praise or pity. This truth realized opened my eyes to how tired I am of running. Just in time for me to have something real to run from...again. Strange, isn't it?
So what is the distance between here and home? Home seems like such an abstract concept a lot of the time. I will be closer to my 'permanent' address. But that will disappear soon, too. I will be closer to 75% of my family, but that's not necessarily home, either. If family defines home, then mine is broken, and I can't handle that thought or concept.
If the distance is my proximity to home, and the amount of time is variable, then how much time will it take for everything to fall apart?
Curious how I spent 3 years as far away as possible. I suppose I was trying to prove how independent and responsible I am. I should've known better. I am who I am because I don't run on praise or pity. This truth realized opened my eyes to how tired I am of running. Just in time for me to have something real to run from...again. Strange, isn't it?
So what is the distance between here and home? Home seems like such an abstract concept a lot of the time. I will be closer to my 'permanent' address. But that will disappear soon, too. I will be closer to 75% of my family, but that's not necessarily home, either. If family defines home, then mine is broken, and I can't handle that thought or concept.
Bombshell.
Strange but familiar...everything has changed again.
Talked to Gohan on Wednesday night. He told me our parents weren't sleeping in the same room. I called the next morning. They're finally gearing up for the divorce. It just goes to show how right I was about all my bizarre misgivings. I don't really believe people were meant to stay together forever. It's ludicrous to think they should.
On the other hand, I hope my dad realizes that no one will ever love him like my mom did. And I will never allow myself to love someone like that, either. There is no way that is worth it.
3 days after my last talk with Buck he finally checked in again. I replied, but not too friendly. He said nothing. It's definitely over. I don't know if its mutual but I'm pretty sure it is. I am too fragile to let anyone close now. That's a good way to start relying on someone, and I can't allow that. I can't let anyone close enough to disappoint me. I've had enough of that.
Talked to Gohan on Wednesday night. He told me our parents weren't sleeping in the same room. I called the next morning. They're finally gearing up for the divorce. It just goes to show how right I was about all my bizarre misgivings. I don't really believe people were meant to stay together forever. It's ludicrous to think they should.
On the other hand, I hope my dad realizes that no one will ever love him like my mom did. And I will never allow myself to love someone like that, either. There is no way that is worth it.
3 days after my last talk with Buck he finally checked in again. I replied, but not too friendly. He said nothing. It's definitely over. I don't know if its mutual but I'm pretty sure it is. I am too fragile to let anyone close now. That's a good way to start relying on someone, and I can't allow that. I can't let anyone close enough to disappoint me. I've had enough of that.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Shift Release.
Moved out of Boomer's today. And decided to move on from Buck.
I spent four good hours moving everything, and another hour getting settled. All throughout I was relieved to move on, and all throughout I was worried about Buck. He was so insistent that he would help me move. I was very grateful for his generosity, but simultaneously perplexed by his vehemence. Of course I know he's capable of helping me move. He is a big strong man. I just couldn't understand why he would persist.
Monday morning I sent him a text letting him know I was doing a majority of the labor that day. He said he was out of town, but pushed, saying he would've helped me with more notice. He apologized about a thousand times. I said "It's okay" and "It's my problem, I can fix it myself." I even threw in a "No hard feelings." He finally got quiet, then said nothing for three days.
Monday through today gave me time to think. He had said he would help if I wanted him or needed him to. Last week he invited me to stay the night if I wanted to or if I needed him. It made me mad. Does he want me to be some helpless, needy Cinderella? Because I have known for a long time that I am the only person looking out for me. I don't need anyone. Only because he didn't call back, I wondered. Was he mad at me for not planning ahead and not waiting to move? Why did he care? Did he think our relationship was worth more than friends with bennies?
That's when it hit me. I don't need him. I need him to need me. It drives me crazy that he doesn't need me. That's a weakness and an attachment. Game over. Time to quit and move on. From here on out I can only play defense.
Because love is a place too dangerous in the best of circumstances, and in my fragile state, unrequited love is out of the question. There are no guarantees of return in this relationship, and if there were I would have run a long time ago.
I spent four good hours moving everything, and another hour getting settled. All throughout I was relieved to move on, and all throughout I was worried about Buck. He was so insistent that he would help me move. I was very grateful for his generosity, but simultaneously perplexed by his vehemence. Of course I know he's capable of helping me move. He is a big strong man. I just couldn't understand why he would persist.
Monday morning I sent him a text letting him know I was doing a majority of the labor that day. He said he was out of town, but pushed, saying he would've helped me with more notice. He apologized about a thousand times. I said "It's okay" and "It's my problem, I can fix it myself." I even threw in a "No hard feelings." He finally got quiet, then said nothing for three days.
Monday through today gave me time to think. He had said he would help if I wanted him or needed him to. Last week he invited me to stay the night if I wanted to or if I needed him. It made me mad. Does he want me to be some helpless, needy Cinderella? Because I have known for a long time that I am the only person looking out for me. I don't need anyone. Only because he didn't call back, I wondered. Was he mad at me for not planning ahead and not waiting to move? Why did he care? Did he think our relationship was worth more than friends with bennies?
That's when it hit me. I don't need him. I need him to need me. It drives me crazy that he doesn't need me. That's a weakness and an attachment. Game over. Time to quit and move on. From here on out I can only play defense.
Because love is a place too dangerous in the best of circumstances, and in my fragile state, unrequited love is out of the question. There are no guarantees of return in this relationship, and if there were I would have run a long time ago.
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